Gina Barthel
“Some people ask, ‘Are you going to be a victim forever?’ The answer is complicated. I’m a victim, survivor, and thriver. The wounds are deep and will never go away, just like Jesus’ wounds didn’t go away after he was resurrected.”
Awake: Gina, thank you so much for being willing to share your story with us. What would you like to share about yourself and your life, apart from your abuse?
Gina: I live in Elk River, Minnesota. I’m 48 years young and hope to always be young at heart! I work as a hospice nurse, and I’m very passionate about my job. I love bringing empathy, peace, and joy to those who are suffering and walking with people on the final steps of their journey in this life. I also absolutely love making people laugh. I’m convinced my sense of humor is one of the reasons I’m still plugging along today after all I’ve been through.
Q. Gina, your passion for your work is inspiring, and your sense of humor is a gift in so many ways. Thank you for sharing what brings you life. Would you mind sharing with us what has been most difficult or challenging about your journey as a survivor?
A. What has been most difficult is the amount of time it has taken to find healing and freedom. Healing is not linear. It’s been a rollercoaster, and I am often frustrated by how long the healing journey takes. It’s hard to accept that this trauma will be with me for the rest of my life. Some people ask, “Are you going to be a victim forever?” The answer is complicated. I’m a victim, survivor, and thriver. The wounds are deep and will never go away, just like Jesus’ wounds didn’t go away after he was resurrected. He certainly didn’t forget about being crucified. So it depends on the moment and where I’m at in my journey. Some days I’m running in freedom, truly thriving. Other days, I’m just hanging on and surviving minute by minute. Still other days, I don’t want to get out of bed and face the chaos the wounds have caused in my life.
Q. Thank you for raising our awareness about the experience of being a survivor. The persistence of trauma and duration of the healing process must have been hard truths to accept; they are important for the Church to hear and accept, too. What would you like to share about the abuse you experienced?
A. I met the priest who abused me when I was a novice in the convent in my twenties. He abused me spiritually, emotionally, and sexually. He started with the spiritual abuse by directing me to do confusing meditations with Jesus and turning them into weird sexual meditations, but he did it all so slowly I didn’t notice how perverse it was until it was too late. I had been sexually abused as a child and brought this to him. He told me that all the meditations were meant to be for the purpose of my healing, that Jesus wanted to heal me. Eventually, he convinced me Jesus wanted to use him to heal me of the childhood trauma. He groomed me for three years under the guise of “healing” before it ever turned physical in nature. It ended three and a half years after it began when I finally consulted another priest because I was so confused by our relationship. My abuser is no longer an active priest. He was laicized after I reported him.
All I ever wanted since I was young was healing. My abuser offered me a counterfeit of what my heart longed for and desired: healing. The best way I’ve found to describe it is that he didn’t just rape my body, he raped my soul.
Q. I’m so sorry you experienced abuse, first as a child and later as an adult, Gina. To come seeking healing only to be further harmed is a horrific betrayal. Who has helped you, and how have they helped you?
A. My closest friends have stuck by me during the ups and downs that come with walking through trauma. They have held me in my soul-crushing pain and rejoiced with me in each victory.
One person I’d like to name specifically is Bishop Andrew Cozzens, who is now the bishop of the Diocese of Crookston. Bishop Cozzens has met with me once a month for the past 10 years. I was away from the Church for six long, painful years when I happened to tune into the installation Mass of Bishop Cozzens on a Catholic radio station. To this day, I have no idea what he said in his closing remarks at the end of that Mass, but I immediately said to myself, “If anyone can help me, it’s him.” I sent him an email that very day asking if he’d be willing to meet with me. We met in January 2014, and I was terrified. I remember wanting to throw up as I walked into the chancery. It was the only time we ever met there because it caused me so much anxiety.
I remember that day like it was yesterday. Bishop Cozzens listened so intently you’d think he didn’t have anything else to do that day. He listened to my entire story. He said how sorry he was, and I knew he meant it. I could see in his demeanor he was truly pained by what had happened to me. This was vastly different from my initial encounter with our previous Archbishop and the diocese when I came forward seeking support. I empathize when I hear other survivors’ horrible experiences with their bishops, and I know I’ve been blessed to have this support. We’ve been meeting monthly ever since. He has been very patient with me – never pushy. To this day, he frequently reminds me that “Jesus understands” when I’m mad, frustrated, sad, or afraid. He has helped me move from being terrified of a relationship with Jesus to letting him reign in my heart again. He has taught me to pray and trust again. He has provided a safe and sacred space for me to encounter my faith again, which is the single most important thing to me. I always wanted to stay Catholic, but I was so afraid and couldn’t figure out how to make my way back to Jesus. Bishop Cozzens has helped me navigate that. I’m eternally grateful to God for him.
Q. I’m so glad you have had people to accompany you on your healing journey. They are an excellent witness to love. What would you like Catholics to understand about sexual abuse in the Catholic Church?
A. Sexual abuse in the Church is a problem that needs to be talked about. It cannot be ignored. I have been surprised by how many people in the Church want to turn a blind eye to abuse. The parish I belonged to since birth handled my decision to go public terribly. It was another trauma I didn’t see coming, and it nearly cost me my life and faith. A few very loud people, along with an unsupportive, emotionally stunted pastor made it miserable for me. I lost the parish where I received all my sacraments. It is no longer a place where I feel safe and welcome. That’s a tragedy.
Q. Gina, thank you for your courage to share your story and for trusting the Awake community to receive it. What have we not asked you about here that you’d like to share?
A. I’ve learned that I am much more than the story of my abuse. My experience taught me that it is possible, for those who desire it, to be wounded in the heart of the Catholic Church and to find healing in the heart of the Catholic Church. To me, Jesus’ presence in the Eucharist is the heart of the Church. So when my abuse happened, I was devastated as I tried to figure out how I could possibly find healing if I couldn’t make my way back to the Eucharist. It felt impossible. Yet, over time, Jesus invited me to Eucharistic adoration. Taking that leap was so scary, but when I slipped into the back pew of the chapel, I knew I was home. Jesus is the great healer. I needed accompaniment to get back to him, but my deepest experiences of freedom and healing have been while I’m sitting alone with Jesus in adoration – pouring out my pain, my joys, and my fears. It is in that heart-to-heart communication with the Divine that I have come to find healing in the heart of the Church, which ultimately is the heart of Jesus.
—Interview by Catherine Burke-Redys
Note from Awake: We extend heartfelt thanks to Gina for sharing her story. We also want to acknowledge that every survivor’s path is different. We honor the journeys of all who have experienced sexual abuse by Catholic leaders and are committed to bringing you their stories. In addition to Gina’s story, we encourage you to read our previous Survivor Stories here.
If you have experienced sexual abuse, you can receive support through the National Sexual Abuse Hotline, 800-656-4673, which operates 24 hours a day. If you seek support from the Catholic Church, you can find the contact information for your diocesan victim assistance coordinator here. Also, Awake is always open to listening to and learning from survivors. If you would like to connect with us, we invite you to email Survivor Care Coordinator Esther Harber at estherharber@awakecommunity.org.
