Maria Silvers
“Hearing stories like mine from other survivors has helped me to recognize and heal from the wound of shame.”
Awake: Maria, thank you for being open to sharing your story with us. It’s an honor to hear from you. As we get started, what would you like to share about yourself apart from your abuse?
Maria: This is a really good question because it causes me to consider how much of my life has been an effort to live apart from the abuse, pretending that I am stronger than these painful experiences and refusing to acknowledge that they had any power in my life.
So, I can answer that question two ways. First, apart from the abuse, I am 65, a mom and grandma, retired nurse, current business owner, and community volunteer in Seattle, who loves deeply and cries at everything. I can also answer that the abuse is a part of every aspect of my life. I am a survivor who realizes that my whole life has been impacted by what happened to me as a child. It shaped who I believed I was. I spent many years trying to avoid thinking about the abuse because I believed those thoughts would destroy me. The scars that have healed are still a part of me.
Q. Thank you for describing the tremendous impact of these wounds. What else would you want us to know about the abuse you experienced?
A. I was in fourth grade at the local parochial school when the youth choir director began his abuse, and I was finishing eighth grade when the newly transferred pastor began his. My family really struggled with a bunch of challenges, and I was a very shy kid. These abusers knew I was alone at home, even though I was part of a big family. So the abuse and my pain and fear went unnoticed. The men who abused me were friends of the family and well-liked in the parish community. It was easy to believe them when they told me that no one would believe me.
Q. Maria, this is heartbreaking to hear. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Can you tell us a little about why you chose to share your story with our community?
A. I’ve spent most of my life hiding my story of abuse, too ashamed and afraid of what I believed it said about me. I remember everything about the day I was called into the principal’s office after speaking up about the first abuser. She asked me: “What do you think you did to make him do such a thing?” Her words shattered my soul. It is only recently that I realized how much that question broke me and that the damage done was perhaps even greater than the physical abuse.
Hearing stories like mine from other survivors has helped me to recognize and heal from the wound of shame. I’m so grateful for the chance to hear and be heard without judgment so that I could begin to process my story, to make sense of it. Sharing my story is a chance to pay that forward. Thank you for this chance to do so.
Q. We’re honored that you chose to share your story with us. I also want to add how sorry I am to hear about the principal’s harmful response to your disclosure. You were just a child! You needed her to listen and support you. When people who are supposed to teach you about God end up hurting you, the impact can be significant. Given that reality, how would you describe your current relationship with God?
A. One of the worst parts of the wound of shame was believing God abandoned me because I was so bad, so damaged, and too broken to be wanted by him, let alone loved. Not long ago, I was offered a grace that has changed my life. I was in the midst of a flashback of the abuse, which doesn't happen often, but when it does, I usually go into “stop” mode and push the images away. This time was different, though. As I saw myself laying on the ground under my abuser, I turned to see Jesus lying on the ground next to me, nailed to the cross. In that one instant, I was seeing that I had not been abandoned by God, that Jesus had been with me, suffering his cross as I was suffering the abuse. It has been a painful, yet incredible journey to accept that and to know in my bones that he is with me even now. I can’t explain how that encounter happened, and I do still struggle a lot with my spirituality and relationship with God, but I no longer believe I am not loved by him or that he has abandoned me. In fact, I trust that he does want to hear and receive all my struggles, my doubt, my anger, and my sorrow. This is one beautiful part of the Awake community. Even as I share my struggles and my doubts about God and faith here, I remain connected to the love that I believe can and will heal me.
Q. That’s all so moving, Maria. Thank you for sharing that experience with us. What have you learned in your journey that you think other victim-survivors might benefit from hearing?
A. One thing that has helped me more than anything else is having other survivors tell me that the abuse was not my fault. I know this probably sounds obvious to anyone not broken by shame, but I felt that I had a role in causing the abuse. Survivor support has helped me question the shame I had taken on and absolutely helped me take those first steps toward healing. When you are with other survivors, there is a knowing of what’s true that can’t be given or received anywhere else. I would recommend that victim-survivors look for the people who “know” and who have hope, or are working toward hope, even if it seems far off.
Q. So who or what gives you hope as a survivor?
A. I am honestly inspired by every survivor I’ve met. Every bit of my healing and my growing understanding about abuse has been helped by those who’ve shared their story with me. I never imagined I would have the strength to unpack all the crap I’d buried. I always thought that looking at it directly would be more than I could bear. But every single story, even if it has entirely different circumstances than mine, has inspired me. It’s true; we are not alone! There is strength in community, and that gives me so much hope.
Q. Your hope is inspiring to me and the rest of our community, Maria. We wish you continued healing. And thank you for all that you’ve shared here. As we close, what’s one important idea that you would like Catholics to understand about sexual abuse in the Catholic Church?
A. I would like Catholics to understand that members of their family are hurting. I would like them to understand that I cherish my faith and Iove the Church, but it is entirely true that she is broken and in need of repair, that she has deeply wounded her people. I would like them to understand that wishing that we’d get over it is denying the very Gospel life to which Jesus calls us: to minister to the sick, the wounded, the outcast, and to love as he loves us.
—Interview by Erin O’Donnell
Note from Awake: We extend heartfelt thanks to Maria for sharing her story. We also want to acknowledge that every survivor’s path is different. We honor the journeys of all who have experienced sexual abuse by Catholic leaders and are committed to bringing you their stories. In addition to Maria’s story, we encourage you to read our previous Survivor Stories here.
If you have experienced sexual abuse, you can receive support through the National Sexual Abuse Hotline, 800-656-4673, which operates 24 hours a day. If you seek support from the Catholic Church, you can find the contact information for your diocesan victim assistance coordinator here. Also, Awake is always open to listening to and learning from survivors. If you would like to connect with us, we invite you to email Survivor Care Coordinator Esther Harber at estherharber@awakecommunity.org.
