Paige Eppenstein Anderson
“I decided to share my story because it’s not the typical story you hear about abuse in the Church.”
Awake: Paige, thank you for being willing to share your story with all of us. To start us off, what would you like to tell us about yourself?
Paige Eppenstein Anderson: I love to think, research, create, and help others, both through my work in graduate admissions at the university where I work, and in helping other survivors. I was raised in Reading, Pennsylvania, but since then I’ve lived in the Midwest, Northeast, and for the last 16 years, the South. I’m 43 years old, married to my wife, Janice, and the mother of an amazing seventh grader. My hobbies include watching college sports (especially women’s sports), genealogical and archival research, gardening and landscaping, and spending time with my family. I’m motivated by social justice to be a voice for the underdog, especially in raising awareness about sexual abuse, statute of limitation reform, and educator sexual misconduct.
Q. Thanks for introducing yourself, Paige, and telling us about your busy life! What would you feel comfortable sharing about the abuse you experienced?
A. When I was 16 and a student at Central Catholic High School in Reading, I experienced a yearning to deepen my faith. I consumed books about Catholicism and theology and started attending daily Mass in our school chapel. I did not feel called to religious life but thought my vocation might be as a high school theology teacher. My family was not very religious, so I sought out mentorship from a lay theology teacher at our school. I was impressed by her quick wit and sarcasm, which were combined with humble piety. She spent several months grooming me with conversations at school and a local diner, phone conversations that lasted late into the night, instant messages, and trips to her alma mater to attend theological lectures. She even took me to visit a Catholic college out of state. She groomed me to think I was special and loved, and she isolated and alienated me from friends and family. The grooming and emotional-religious abuse started first and lasted about a year. It escalated into sexual abuse, which lasted another year, until I left for college. The spring of my freshman year in college she told me she was entering religious life. She is still a sister today.
Q. It’s heartbreaking to think you were harmed in the process of looking for God. I’m so sorry that you were manipulated and hurt, Paige. Could you say a little about why you chose to share your story with our community?
A. I decided to share my story because it’s not the typical story you hear about abuse in the Church. It also shows the complexity of abuse by a religious authority. As a result of the grooming, I did not recognize the abuse as abuse. The perpetrator makes you think it’s love. I was so young and could not process with my still-developing brain that it was immoral and a crime.
She made me feel responsible for my own abuse. When she joined religious life, I was immensely confused and experienced deep guilt and shame. I was convinced that my actions forced her into the convent. As a student at a Catholic university and a religious studies major, I struggled with my faith. I suffered in silence with depression and anxiety and used alcohol to numb the pain.
I also threw myself into my studies and began researching Catholic women religious. I even pursued a Master of Theological Studies and studied women religious. I now call it “academic therapy;” I can see that my studies were one of my first attempts to make sense of what happened.
Q. It all sounds very painful and confusing, Paige. I’m so sorry. What do people most often misunderstand about your experience?
A. People have asked me if I fear or hate women religious or my abuser’s community. The answer is no! I hate what my abuser did to me and how she’s used religious life and her community to escape criminal or civil consequences. I was taught by many wonderful and caring sisters over the years, including sisters from her community, from elementary school through college and graduate school. My undergraduate advisor was a Franciscan and is now a contemplative Poor Clare sister in Ireland. I have friends in religious life. My academic work led me to explore the lives of women religious who were pioneers, teachers, administrators, and leaders before most women held positions of power in broader society. What has been challenging is the lack of acknowledgement and restorative justice by the diocese, as I was abused in a diocesan-sponsored high school. They have deflected all responsibility to her religious community, which refuses to even acknowledge the situation. I know a few specific details about who knew what when because I filed a Vos Estis Lux Mundi complaint last year, not because they were forthcoming.
I do question the vetting process of the order my abuser entered. Over 10 sisters from that community taught at my high school, which was named multiple times in the 2018 Pennsylvania Grand Jury Report as a place where abuse happened. Since she became a sister, my abuser has held multiple jobs working with students as well as other vulnerable women and children. She has also served in a leadership role for her religious community. Although dioceses have safety training for clergy, religious, and lay people, this is a clear example of how a predator can slip through the cracks. We still need to educate people to identify the signs of abuse and to report anything suspicious.
Q. Right, and this points to the reality that this is not just a problem of the past. Again, I’m sorry for all that you have suffered. Would you be willing to describe the impact of all of this on your mental health?
A. I navigated in relative silence through years of self-blame, depression, anxiety, and immense shame. There were times when I was in my own head and not present for my family. Although I saw therapists over the years, I thought clergy abuse meant abuse by a priest because that’s what it typically means in Catholicism. However, just over three years ago, I experienced a series of events that triggered a new awareness. My son’s reaction to a TV commercial about a series called “A Teacher” helped me finally call it what it actually was—abuse. This sweet, innocent child could see what I was blind to for all those years.
Q. Wow. That sounds like a powerful turning point.
A. It was. Suddenly I saw the abuse for what it was. While that moment was incredibly, incredibly painful, it led me to the Survivors Network for those Abused by Priests (especially the Nun Abuse Group that was run by Mary Dispenza). I also connected with other sexual abuse survivors from my high school. My family has also been immensely supportive.
Q. I’m so glad to hear that. What else has helped you in healing?
A. Therapy focused on sexual and religious trauma has been paramount. I found the right therapists to help me dig deeper. I was fortunate to take FMLA leave to pursue intensive therapy for a few months. I’ve also been helped by books including The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, and Freedom at Last: Healing the Shame of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Beverly Engel. I recently started reading Judith Herman’s new book, Truth and Repair: How Trauma Survivors Envision Justice. I’ve thought a lot about ways to improve handling of abuse cases and policy reforms, as well as what it means to seek and receive justice, so I am excited to have found this book!
Q. These titles sound really important. Thanks for sharing them. Paige, how do you describe your spirituality and relationship to the Catholic Church?
A. As I mentioned, I was quite religious as a high school student. In college, I served as a Eucharistic minister and taught CCD at local parishes. I lived in Boston then, which happened to be the period when the sexual abuse scandal first rocked the foundation of the Church. As I came to accept my own sexuality and watched the sexual abuse scandal unfold, I did not see an accepting place for me at the table. My spouse and I did not belong to a formal faith community for many years.
Due to some recent health crises, my spouse—who grew up as a preacher’s kid in the PCUSA (Presbyterian Church USA)—wanted to join the local PCUSA church. I was skeptical that I could find peace, consolation, acceptance, or redemption in any Christian community but tried for our family. One of my biggest struggles has centered on the Christian concept of forgiveness. But an article by Dr. Wilco de Vries, “The Danger of Forcing Forgiveness,” published in Christianity Today in spring 2023 helped me a lot. The author discusses the need for accountability, repentance, and restitution for forgiveness to happen (if it ever does). I feel like I am in a place of “non-forgiveness,” which I’m working through.
Because my abuser used my religiosity to groom me, I’m very cautious about practicing the faith, even now. Pope Francis made a momentous step forward in allowing priests to offer same-sex couples a blessing, but instead of celebrating, I feel like an outsider, gazing in at a community I once loved.
Q. Paige, who inspires you and gives you hope?
A. My wife. In early 2023, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Since then, she has undergone major surgeries and numerous chemotherapy treatments, and is participating in a clinical trial. She still has a year of maintenance chemotherapy to go, but her oncologists have declared her cancer-free. I have drawn so much strength and inspiration from her cancer journey. Her doctor told her to “live her best life” and both of us have taken that to heart. I feel a renewed sense of hope that I have the strength to live as a survivor.
Q. That’s really beautiful. Thank you for all that you’ve shared, Paige. I wish you continued healing. As we close, what’s one last idea that you would like Catholics to understand about sexual abuse in the Church?
A. I was in my 40s when I finally recognized the abuse for what it was. Many people do not understand their abuse or feel ready to report it until they are in their 50s, if at all. There are many people my age and older who attended Catholic parishes and schools or participated in programs like CYO or CCD staffed by priests, sisters, and lay volunteers and staff, who have not recognized or grappled with what happened to them. I hope that my story helps anyone suffering in silence to know that they will be believed and do not need to walk the journey alone. I hope Catholics understand that it takes great strength to recognize, process, and share about abuse experiences. I encourage you to be open to anyone who entrusts you with their disclosure and support them in seeking justice.
—Interview by Erin O’Donnell
Note from Awake: We extend heartfelt thanks to Paige for sharing her story. We also want to acknowledge that every survivor’s path is different. We honor the journeys of all who have experienced sexual abuse by Catholic leaders and are committed to bringing you their stories. In addition to Paige’s story, we encourage you to read our previous Survivor Stories here.
If you have experienced sexual abuse, you can receive support through the National Sexual Abuse Hotline, 800-656-4673, which operates 24 hours a day. If you seek support from the Catholic Church, you can find the contact information for your diocesan victim assistance coordinator here. Also, Awake is always open to listening to and learning from survivors. If you would like to connect with us, we invite you to email Survivor Care Coordinator Esther Harber at estherharber@awakecommunity.org.
