Sue S.
"Overcoming the intense fear of sharing was no easy task, but...darkness cannot continue once the lights are turned on.”
Editor’s Note: This interview features a survivor’s story that includes a description of organized extreme abuse. Her story may be triggering to some, so please use discretion when reading.
Awake: Sue, thank you so much for being willing to share your story with us. Is there something you’d like to share with us about yourself and your life apart from your abuse?
Sue: I’m 72 years old, and my abuse began in southern California and continued unabated for over 10 years. There is no part of my life that is divorced from the abuse. It has permeated every component of my life. It has affected me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It has affected my relationships, my finances, and my capacity to function in the world. The fallout from the abuse has been horrendous.
That being said, I can tell you for a fact that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Dealing with adversity on the scale of the abuse I experienced has allowed me growth opportunities that few people ever have. In my case, climbing out of the pit of darkness and despair and finding some semblance of functionality and healing required that I reach deep down into my broken body and mind to identify the elusive sparks of light, hope, worthiness, and confidence that evil tried to extinguish, then slowly but surely growing them over the years into traits like courage, compassion, and resilience, and ultimately a capacity to unconditionally love myself and others. That required a very deep dive into discovering that I am not defined by what I do, a human doing, but rather by who I am, a human being. That discovery process has grown my heart and soul in ways that have allowed me to humbly reach out to other extreme abuse survivors to help them with their journey into healing as well. I can’t imagine I would ever have had the desire or capacity to work that hard and delve so deeply, much less make a difference in others’ lives, had I not experienced the intense adversity of the abuse.
They call us survivors for a reason. Sadly, not all of us survive.
Q. What precious truths for all of us to hear: that we are human beings, not human doings, and that we have the capacity to unconditionally love ourselves and others. It is undoubtedly tragic, however, that this discovery and growth came out of such horror and darkness. What would you like to share with us about the abuse you experienced?
A. My abuse started with an uncle who raped me from the age of five to seven, until my mother walked in on us during one of the rapes when I was seven. My family was very immersed in the Catholic Church, so my mother, in her very distraught state, sought help for me with our local parish monsignor. My mother could not have known this, but her plea for help put a target on my back. The monsignor saw vulnerability and took advantage. He carefully groomed me then raped me on an ongoing basis for years, until I graduated from eighth grade.
Upon graduation, I transferred to an all-girls Catholic high school, where I entered as an aspirant, which is the first step towards becoming a nun. In that novitiate, a boarding school environment, the abuse increased exponentially. Not only was I repeatedly raped, but I was also forced to endure intense mental and emotional cruelty as well as unspeakable physical torture. I will spare you the details but suffice it to say that I fled after 18 months.
I returned back home to the original parish and the local Catholic high school, where the abuse continued, albeit with a different priest, who coordinated my stepped-up trafficking and torture. I never told my parents or anyone else because of the highly effective and intense programming I was subjected to, as well as threats to myself and my family. None of it stopped until my family moved to a town hundreds of miles away, in the middle of my junior year in high school. Even after that, I have suspected I’ve been surveilled and harassed — to this day. However, I have an unshakable faith and believe a Source of profound love has protected me.
Q. What a beautiful and consoling image of the “profound love” that has helped you feel safe. Sue, I know that you experienced a very particular form of abuse, and I wonder if you could say a little more about it?
A. I experienced what is sometimes called organized extreme abuse, and some of the worst parts of it involve torture and even bizarre Satanic rituals. During these perpetrations, it was not unusual for me to be drugged, shared among several abusers and subjected to extreme cruelty that included unspeakable and inhumane acts that defy any semblance of humanity. Worse, the networks involved seemed extensive and organized. I was not only abused on the school and church grounds, but I was also transported, or trafficked, to a wide variety of off-site locations, including private homes and public and private business and institutions. From what I experienced, and also hearing similar experiences from other extreme abuse survivors, their acts were deliberate, well planned, and interconnected. How else could they keep these crimes secret?
In talking with other survivors, it has frankly shocked me at how widespread the abuse is, and how eerily consistent our memories are, especially with organized extreme abuse. You can see evidence of this in a project called “50 Voices of Ritual Abuse.” It’s like the pedophile priests and others involved in these criminal networks must be sharing some kind of playbook. Perhaps they have shared among themselves verbal instructions, or maybe even a written manual, that describes what works to control a victim. Either way, their process works to target the kids who are most vulnerable. It works to successfully ensure fear and compliance. And, it works to keep a child quiet and make them afraid to tell anyone about the abuse they are being subjected to. A horrible fact is that this abuse continues in part because adults have a tough time accepting that these acts happen. If they can’t accept that these acts happen, then they would not be inclined to do what it takes to expose the predators. Either way, they do not want to talk about it.
Q. Sue, I know you are sparing us the truly horrifying details. And still, what you are describing is really painful to hear — both that you experienced this horrific abuse and then further have suffered the disbelief and indifference of those who did not want to acknowledge or confront the evil you experienced. What has been most difficult about your journey as a survivor?
A. When my memories first began to surface, the greatest difficulty was overcoming the intense guilt and shame that overwhelmed every part of me. My adult cognitive brain understood the abuse was criminal action. But deep down, where my inner children reside, I was convinced that every part of the abuse was all my fault. After all, it might have stopped if I had simply run away, or fought back, or told someone. Instilling guilt and shame are part of the grooming playbook, because it burrows deep inside and stays there, protecting the criminals from exposure. It has no mercy and is blind to reason or adult thought process. It festers and breaks down the very fabric of our sense of self, and it’s extremely difficult to reverse. It keeps us in an almost irreversible loop of self-blame, unworthiness, and isolation.
Q. Thank you for helping me understand the impact of organized extreme abuse on the psyche of survivors. If I may ask, why have you chosen to share your story with our community?
A. Part of my healing process involves having the courage to share my story where it can create the opportunity to educate others that unspeakable actions do happen, and children must be protected. Like most survivors, I was groomed to believe that I must tell no one. In my case, I was told that if I ever told anyone, they would kill me and/or my family. I was very young and impressionable and believed what I was told down to my bones. Overcoming the intense fear of sharing was no easy task, but I worked hard to overcome their programming. If my sharing saves even one child from the horrors that happened to me, then facing my fear of sharing will have been worth it.
Q. I can see how important your story is both for you to tell and for others to hear. Thank you for trusting your story to the Awake community. Is there anything that you would like to share specifically with other victim-survivors?
A. You can heal! It takes hard work, and it doesn’t happen overnight, but it is worth it. You put one foot in front of the other and take baby steps. It is not linear, nor is it predictable, but healing is possible, and probable, if you stay the course. You can’t run away from the fallout by isolating or numbing yourself out.
What worked for me, besides therapy, was joining groups for survivors. I attended regularly, listened intently, and shared frequently. Hearing how others felt helped me get in touch with my own feelings. Watching how others healed helped me understand what I could do to climb out of the pit of despair. Observing those who were able to find their way inspired me and gave me hope that I could do the same.
Another major component of my healing was body work. I developed dozens of illnesses over the years and couldn’t understand why. Then I read the book The Body Keeps the Score, and a lot of things fell into place.
Q. I think the lessons from your healing journey about perseverance, community, and the mind-body connection might resonate with others, too. Thank you for offering those words of wisdom about healing. I wonder, what has surprised you most in your journey as a survivor?
A. When my memories first began to surface at age 62, I could not believe that what I was remembering could be true. My brain said, “PRIESTS DON’T RAPE CHILDREN; THEY PROTECT CHILDREN!” I simply could not wrap my head around that concept. The more extreme layers of abuse were even more unbelievable, especially the torture and Satanic rituals … until I experienced irrefutable evidence that I could not ignore. Other survivors have described in detail the same bizarre rituals I experienced, even though they have never heard my story. I have unique torture scars that a number of other survivors have, and theirs match mine almost exactly. These patterns are worldwide. You can run but you can’t hide from this kind of reality check.
A special layer of shock I have experienced with regard to the Catholic Church’s abuse — I am convinced the church hierarchy is often well aware of the extent of the problem, and instead of protecting the children, they choose to protect these criminal priests, and even worse, reassign them to places where more kids can be abused.
When it comes to the criminal pedophile networks, they seem to use quite similar methods and get very similar results, with devastating consequences for those who survive it.
Q. After the abuse you experienced, it is truly awe-inspiring that you have a story about your healing. What an amazing journey of renewal and restoration, Sue. Do you have any other words for those with those who are Catholic about sexual abuse in the Catholic Church?
A. It is real. It is widespread. There are far too many platitudes and promises and not enough proactive viable steps being taken to truly protect children. The evidence seems to demonstrate that, for the most part, the church hierarchy protects its own. The Vatican and the Bishops and everyone downstream must do whatever it takes to make sure that no more children can be harmed. The hierarchy has failed in this mission. The solution: parishioners must band together and demand changes, including full transparency and accountability, and install policies that protect children instead of just giving lip service.
Parishioners, in my opinion, are the heart of the Catholic Church. There would be no church without them. My experience with parishioners is that they are appalled and heartbroken over the broken lives and damage caused by the abuse. Parishioners have incredible power to reteach the hierarchy that a response to the abuse crisis must answer the question “What would Jesus do?” instead of “How do we avoid fallout and hide what is happening?”
Q. Thank you, Sue, for raising our awareness of this seldom discussed but very real type of abuse. We wish you well. What have we not asked you about here that you’d like to share?
A. I want to make clear here that the organized extreme abuse I experienced and the Catholic Church’s part in it was not typical of what most survivors have faced. However, I know many other survivors who went through similar organized extreme abuse. We don’t make it onto the radar because it’s difficult for people to believe that such atrocities happen and are still happening. My advice to Catholics is to be aware that such things do occur. Please be vigilant and watchful. Please know that the shame and guilt that is part and parcel of virtually all abuse perpetrations will stop you from seeing obvious signs of abuse. Please educate yourself as to what abuse might look like. Ignorance is not bliss, especially for children. Ignorance perpetuates the problem. Ignoring does the same. Demand that the hierarchy have open discussions with the congregation, including survivors, about the abuse crisis. Demand full transparency and accountability. This will force truth into the light. DARKNESS CANNOT CONTINUE ONCE THE LIGHTS ARE TURNED ON. If people think it’s too upsetting to face, they can gain courage by remembering that children don’t have a choice to turn away. Seeing their plight is the least adults can do.
—Interview by Catherine Burke-Redys
Note from Awake: We extend heartfelt thanks to Sue S. for sharing her story. We also want to acknowledge that every survivor’s path is different. We honor the journeys of all who have experienced sexual abuse by Catholic leaders and are committed to bringing you their stories. In addition to Sue’s story, we encourage you to read our previous Survivor Stories here.
If you have experienced sexual abuse, you can receive support through the National Sexual Abuse Hotline, 800-656-4673, which operates 24 hours a day. If you seek support from the Catholic Church, you can find the contact information for your diocesan victim assistance coordinator here. Also, Awake is always open to listening to and learning from survivors. If you would like to connect with us, we invite you to email Survivor Care Coordinator Esther Harber at estherharber@awakecommunity.org.
